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You know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

bulletJuan Valdez named his donkey after you.
bulletYou ski uphill.
bulletYou get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
bulletYou have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
bulletYou answer the door before people knock.
bulletYou just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
bulletYou grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
bulletYou have to watch videos in fast-forward.
bulletYou can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
bulletYou lick your coffeepot clean.
bulletYou spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
bulletYou're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
bulletThe nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
bulletYour T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
bulletYour so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
bulletYou can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
bulletYou can jump-start your car without cables.
bulletCocaine is a downer.
bulletAll your kids are named "Joe."
bulletYour only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
bulletYou go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
bulletYou walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
bulletYou've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
bulletWhen you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
bulletThe Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
bulletStarbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
bulletInstant coffee takes too long.
bulletWhen someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
bulletYou want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
bulletYou go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
bulletYou're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
bulletYou name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
bulletYou have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
bulletYou can outlast the Energizer bunny.
bulletYou think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
bulletYou don't tan, you roast.
bulletYou don't get mad, you get steamed.
bulletYour three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
bulletYour lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
bulletYour coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
bulletYou introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
bulletYou think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
bulletYour first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
bulletYour urine stream bores a hole in the toilet.
bulletYou have two complete orgasms while brushing your teeth.
bulletYou plow under your marijuana crop to plant coffee trees.
bulletYou talk so fast your tongue has windburn.
bulletYou jog to work and arrive yesterday.
bulletYour farts smell like espresso
bulletYour eyes are brown...even the white parts.
bulletYou personally account for more than 1% of the Gross National Product of Brazil.
bulletYour espresso smells like farts.
bulletYour skin is blacker than Bill Cosby's, and you're caucasian.
bulletYour hearburn ignites brush fires.
bulletMosquitoes that bite you can fly through glass.
bulletYou bungee jump and go UP.
bulletYour coffee breath etches glass.
bulletYou stand in front of the microwave oven screaming, "Hurry UP!!!"
bulletYou use coffee beans as suppositories.
bulletYour coffee cup is visible from the Space Shuttle.
bulletYou spend the weekend cross-country skiing....and cross the country!
bulletYou think skydiving is just too damned slow.
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
Abraham Lincoln